Introduction

I’ve introduced myself to many, many people, and the first two questions that people love to ask are:

1) What do you do?
2a) Where did you go to school?
2b) For….?

I work at a parking lot, and I took English and History at school. I’m not sure if this is supposed to speak volumes about the person that I am or give them an opportunity to ask me stuff about my job as a means of continuing the conversation.

“You know, I never really see a parking lot attendant do any work.”
“Yeah, that’s probably true. When it’s busy it’s kind of dangerous for you to stand around watching us, with all those cars and all.”

It’s completely inescapable. If it’s not the first thing that’s asked, it’s the second. Maybe if you met through a mutual friend, they’ll ask you how you know, and maybe you’ll trade a few stories, before BAM! So…what do you do? It’s gotten to the point where my About Me section on my blog begins with me stating what degree I have and whether or not I have a job. I was about to re-write it today when I realized that I would only say the same things. I’d start with the degree I have, and what job I work at. Why am I listing my qualifications at all? Am I applying to be your blog writer? I’ll need to fix that section soon, not that anyone really reads it. I’m not even sure if I should have an “about me” up there.

Parking 101: On the Street

If you park on the street, and the meter is broken, you do not get free parking. Get a ticket from another machine, or park somewhere else (if it’s an older meter). If you do not, you will get a parking ticket. These tickets are issued by the police parking enforcement, and there is nothing we can do to stop them. There are two ways to avoid getting a ticket:

1) Pay for a ticket, and leave before ticket expires.
2) Don’t park on the street without paying (when you’re supposed to).

If the meter is broken, you get a ticket for not paying for parking. Calling me up and saying: “I would have paid, but your machines don’t work” is cool, but I hope you realize that good intentions don’t pay for shit. I know that this is inconvenient, but we try our best to make sure all machines are working well. We have thousands, and if 10 don’t work, people think we’re incompetent. However, it’s definitely better than getting a police ticket and trying to go through the court system to fight it.

If that is the route you wish to take, do not ask if phone conversations are recorded and that you’re going to “tell them that I called it in that the machine was broken.” In the years I’ve worked at the monitoring station, I have never received a phone call from anyone asking me if a certain machine was out of order, and if X customer was the one to call it in. Maybe customer service gets these calls during the day, but I’ll tell you why no one calls (or should call):

1) Your opinion really doesn’t mean shit. When customers tell us that “the machine is broken” it usually translates to “I didn’t use it properly.” If a technician opened up the machine to tell us it’s broken, that’s fine, but most problems are solved when I tell customers to read the signs around them and make sure that they’re allowed to park there. The only exception to the rule is if the machine is visibly broken.

2) It doesn’t prove anything. If someone calls me up and asks me if X person made a call, the only thing it shows is that you made a call and I answered the phone. How do I know you put money into the machine? I never witnessed the transaction, how are you asking me to vouch for you? I’m not insinuating that people who call are liars, but how can I credibly tell anyone that you’re telling the truth? Unless I’m on the line and hear the transaction happening, I’m just taking your word for it, and your word don’t mean shit (see reason 1).

So there you go. Check the signs, follow the instructions, and if you call our customer service line, they probably know more than you so listen. You really can’t fuck this up.

Seeing Red

I was thinking about changing the name of my blog back to Seeing Red, but I decided against it because I don’t think I’m as angry as I used to be. Excluding my door-punching incident, I would say that I’m pretty mellow these days. I’d rather laugh at the stuff that annoys me than let it get to me. Today, however, I’m going to channel that angry, fire-breathing side of myself because I’m going to be talking about my aunt. A woman that I hate so much that the only thing that pisses me off more than seeing her, is seeing her happy. I tweeted that she is the epitome of a cunt and I stand by that statement ready to defend it with my life.

I try to avoid her as much as I can. I’ve probably seen her twice in the last two years and I would very much like to keep it that way. She’s not really my aunt, she’s my mom’s cousin, which I think makes her my second cousin. I’ll take that. Whatever removes her farther from me (even if it’s just symbolically on the family tree) I’ll take it. Today she greeted me with “wow, we’re graced with your presence today.” Biiiiitchshutthefuckup, I didn’t come here for you. My aunt from England was going back today and I wanted to see her off because she’s cool. I’d rather paper cut my dick hole and dip it in lemon juice than talk to you. Besides, one of the biggest reasons I hate her is that whenever my family gets invited to her family functions, she speaks to us in a condescending manner, and acts as if we should be honoured to be around her and her family. As if she’s doing us a favour by inviting us. She’d be doing us a bigger favour by not inviting us.

Then later on she beckoned me over. Beckoned me! I hope she does this at restaurants so the staff can spit on her food. She asked me, aloud, what I was doing with my life. I told her I finished the CSC and am going to start applying for jobs after. She scoffed at pretty much everything I said and asked me why I even bothered going into university for English. She questioned why I didn’t want to go into teaching (the truth is I can’t because my marks are shit, but I would never tell her that). I pretty much just stood there and got embarrassed by her in front of a shitload of my family because I made the mistake of telling her what I wanted to do years earlier. My new rule is never let people know about your plans unless you feel comfortable telling them about it failing. This rule applies to all of your shitty, gossiping relatives.

I don’t understand crappy relatives. I grew up in England with my cousins and everyone there is super cool. We all help each other out and the first thing I would do if I ever won the lottery would be to send a chunk of my money their way so we can all live it up together. My second cousin, on the other hand, started out ok when we moved to Canada but got worse as the years went on. Lately it feels I can only have sarcastic conversations with her. You don’t need people like that in your life. You really don’t. When someone you know doesn’t contribute anything positive to your life at all (at the very least, they should be nice to you), then cut them off. Simple as that. Keeping them around is like not flushing after taking a shit, it just doesn’t make sense. It’s unfortunate, however, that it’s easier to cut a branch off the tree in your backyard than it is with your family tree.

Twitter Conversation

Note: I’ve removed the person’s Twitter handle, but if you go on my Twitter stream you can easily find out who it is.

Red: “There’s a Canadian town called Slave Lake? What a horrible name!”

Yes, I knew there were forest fires and massive devastation before making this tweet, but I thought it was an odd name. I’m not poking fun of the situation, because I understand the severity of it, but I was just giving my initial reaction.

Several people informed me over Twitter that it’s Cree for “strange” and is actually pronounced Slavey Lake. Some were pretty polite about it, and others weren’t so much. This one (obviously) was from one that wasn’t so polite about it:

?: Look up the real meaning of the name, and show some compassion. 40% of the town was destroyed.
Red: I know what’s happening. I just thought it was an odd name.
?: it’s not an odd name when you know the background.
Red: So when you read the word “slave” your immediate impression is a Cree name?
?: Not at all, I just prefer to do some research before I make negative assumptions.
Red: Guess you didn’t see that I retweeted the real meaning on my profile, and thanked people for correcting me.
?: I missed that, sorry. Just replied to you cause I saw your tweet in the TT.
Red: lol, so you don’t exactly do research before making negative assumptions… (This is exactly what I did after tweeting that line to her: http://youtu.be/YhkNLHictW8)
?: Not to people on twitter who come across as jackasses. I see that you’re not, so my apologies.
Red: If Slave Lake wasn’t going through this horrible forest fire, would I still be a jackass for thinking it’s a weird name?

She didn’t reply, and I’m not taking her apology. She’s going around Twitter being a righteous cunt to everyone who thinks Slave Lake is an odd name. “It’s not an odd name when you know the background.” Yes, things aren’t odd when you know what they are. Thanks for that bit of wisdom Yoda.

She’s assuming strangers who don’t live in the area are supposed to be familiar with a small town of 7000 people just because it’s in the news for a wildfire. I read the article in the Toronto Star. I know what’s going on, but nowhere in that article does it mention the pronunciation of the town or how it got its name (because IT’S FUCKING TRIVIAL), so I think it’s pretty fair I get to wonder at the prospect of a name that seems completely incongruent with my understanding of Canadian history.

TL;DR: Bitches be crazy.

Pure HMV

I’ve been buying from HMV since grade 12 (since I started working) and if you were to sum up the total of my DVD purchases it would be somewhere between $1500 – $2000 since then. That’s a shitload of money and I’m positive that it’s a conservative estimate. The whole time I griped about how HMV should have a points card or something because I would benefit immensely from it.

About a month or two ago they launched the Pure HMV card, which gives you 100 points per dollar spent. I would have had at least 100, 000 points! So I decided to browse the upper echelons of their points program to see what I could possibly get for that much points.

Step Up 3d Prize Pack: 150 000 points.
Robert Pattinson Prize Pack: 150 000 points.
Autographed Perez Hilton Soft Cover book: 55 000 points.

What the shit is this? It’s not even Twilight stuff for Robert Pattinson because, obviously, HMV makes too much money off that to be giving it away. But that’s precisely what they should be doing! It’s a rewards program, but it feels like they’re giving away the useless crap they couldn’t get rid of. For 150 000 points fans of Robert Pattinson can get a pair of worn pants from the movie (he wore them himself apparently), but this was from…2008! Yeah. Awesome. Sorry tweenies, you can’t smell him anymore.

The Step Up pack includes one large Men’s shirt, one large Women’s shirt, an XL hoodie, a headband, and the first two movies in the franchise. The only Step Up 3d merchandise is the headband, and the oversized clothes. Seriously. I’m not even gonna get to Perez Hilton’s autographed book, because that thing is a waste of paper and ink. Further browsing revealed that for 3,500 points I could get a T3 keychain. Terminator 3?! That movie came out when I was still in high school! Grade 11, if I remember correctly and I have to spend $35 to get that? Fuck you HMV!

The Pure HMV card: great for HMV to get rid of their useless shit, terrible for loyal customers.