The Fix
Posted: November 28th, 2010 | Author: Red | Filed under: Life, Random | Tags: Broken Hand | 2 Comments »October 8th 2010
The day after I visited the ER, I had an appointment at the plastic clinic in Scarborough General hospital. When I got there, the clinic was packed, and I knew I would have to wait a while before it was my turn. I had no idea there were that many people in Scarborough with broken hands, arms, fingers, and legs.
My name was finally called at around 12:30pm, and the first thing in my mind was “damn, my doctor is pretty hot.” She asked me how I broke my hand and I went through the spiel about punching the door, and she went through her spiel about “how the door will always win” (there goes my chance with her, she thinks I’m a moron), and then she sent me off to get some more x-rays. When the scans showed up, she took a look and put her pen to the screen and says: “This is where your bone is *puts pen on the screen*, and this is where your bone should be *shifts pen to where my bone isn’t.* It was alarmingly far from where it should be. However, since my hand was too swollen for her to make a proper decision on my hand, she asks that I come back in a week so that she can take a closer look. She told me that I’d most likely need surgery, so I wasn’t allowed to eat anything before midnight the day before my appointment. Damn.
October 15th 2010
9:30am – I show up to the clinic and I immediately get whisked off to get my cast taken off and some more x-rays done. I am starting to hate x-rays. Whenever I got x-rays done, they just give me a small lead-apron, but it’s only big enough to put on your lap to protect your crotch. I’m not sure what would happen if I didn’t put that on, but I distinctly remember not having one on during on x-ray session. Unfortunately, I did not turn into Godzilla.
10:30ish “Redford, we’re going to need to operate on your hand.” Shit!
1:00pm They have found a room for me but before I’m allowed in I have to do some surveys and tests. I’m asked a crapload of questions about allergies, my height and weight are measured, and then I get taken into this empty room.
Nurse: “Before you are allowed in, it is hospital policy that you have to get swabbed. Here are two swabs. The first swab is your nose, the second is your bum.”
Red: “My bum?”
Nurse: “Yeah, hospital policy. Either you can pull down your pants and I can swab for you, or you can do it yourself.”
Red: “Don’t worry, I got this.”
Nurse: “Ok, you don’t have to put it in, just, swab around it.”
Red: “Ok.”
I got my nose swabbed and then she left the room to give me some privacy. Keep in mind that this is a week into my broken hand. At this point I haven’t really learned how to put on anything but sweat pants, and pulling off and putting on my pants is not only painful, but fuckin’ complicated. I would have loved some help, but no way am I letting someone tickle my asshole with a Q-tip.
1:30ish I get put into a room with another guy. The other patient has kidney stones and when I come in he asks “hey bro, do you have kidney stones too?” I tell him I don’t and that I’m waiting for surgery on my broken hand, and he replies with “you are a lucky man.” He’s right. I may not be able to use my right hand, but I’m not pissing out rocks either.
Gowns are brought in and I’m told that I should change. My friend told me the night before that I’m allowed to wear boxers and socks, so I take off my shirt and pants and I’m standing by the bed in my boxers, when a co-op nurse walks in on me. She looks at me and the only thing I can say is: “what’s up?” and she turns back around and is all like “ahhh, I’m sorry!”
I finish changing. I hate hospital gowns, they’re a bitch and a half to put on, and I couldn’t tie the back of the gown with one hand. I sit down and the co-op nurse and another nurse walk in and start asking me all these questions, after which the nurse reminds me that I should be naked underneath my gown.
Red: “Naked?”
Nurse: “All off!”
Red: “But they’re just operating on my hand!”
Nurse: “I know! All. Off!”
Red: “Alright, alright.”
Man is the hospital ever cold. After those two nurses left, another one came in and put me on an IV drip. I was so hungry and thirsty at this time, but the IV drip doesn’t quench your thirst or satisfy your hunger, it just nourishes you.
2:30pm I’m wheeled away for my surgery. The hospital is freezing cold! They leave me outside the operating room where another doctor asks me some more questions. They notice me shivering and give me a warmed up blanket. One day I’ll find a way to do that to my own blanket, but since I can’t fit it into my microwave, I’m not sure what I can do.
??? This is when my memory of events gets a bit murky. I’m not wearing a watch so I don’t know when I actually get wheeled into the operating room, but when I go in there I get introduced to more doctors and nurses. They’re really a nice bunch. The anesthesiologist talks about what’s going to happen while he’s placing an oxygen mask over my face. He tells me that I’m going to feel a “sharp sting” in my arm when the drugs hit. Right when he said that I felt like I was being stabbed with an icicle in my hand, and I let out a little grunt of pain, and then he pressed the mask down hard over my mouth, and then I went out…
4:15pm Surgery is over and I’m in the recovery room. I’m hooked up to a morphine drip and the nurse also puts in some gravol so I don’t throw up. I love morphine. I vaguely remember telling the nurse that as well, and that every time I blink my eyes, I feel like I’m getting a week of sleep.
“That’s just the dope talking.”
Yes it was. The sweet, sweet dope.
6:00pm I’m back in my room and the nurse tells me that I need to rest. She says she’ll aim to get me out of here by 9:00pm. My doctor came in to visit me while I was recovering. I went from having a crush on her, to falling madly in love. My family walks into the room shortly after and my sister’s initial response was “Redford, you need a haircut.” It was difficult talking to my family, especially my sister when I was so messed up. I hate people seeing me like this because I don’t want them to worry.
7:00pm The nurse keeps asking me if I need to pee. She told me that I have to pass two tests before I’m allowed to go:
1) To be able to pee independently.
2) To be able to eat without throwing up.
I passed both tests on my first try, but I just wanted some sleep. I was friggin’ exhausted and had a crazy day, so I just didn’t bother with the tests at first, but eventually, I figured I wanted to go home so I told the nurse I was ready to try now and successfully managed to do both. My hand was hurting like hell though, and those bastards had taken away my morphine!
9:30pm Finally, I’m allowed to go home. It was a physically and emotionally draining day. I was ready to pass out on my bed. They gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3, but after having morphine, nothing comes close.
