Chessboxing

Note: Do not take this post that seriously please. I obviously do not want to see my friends get hurt, just, sometimes, my imagination runs wild. Perhaps if we found strangers to do this…

I first heard about this on the weekend, when someone showed me an article in The Star about this bizarre hybrid of a sport. At first I thought that all the pieces on the chessboard were replaced by people, and the importance of the piece was reflected in the weight (Queen = Heavyweight, Pawn = Featherweight, etc.), and that upon moving into someone else’s square, a fight would break out, with the winner taking the square. Then I realized that not only would this take forever, but would be dangerous when the Queen starts battering the shit out of all the pawns and everyone else under its weight class.

As it turns out, the sport alternates rounds of chess with rounds of boxing: three minutes of boxing, and four minutes of chess. You can win the whole match via checkmate or knockout (and I’m guessing points as well in boxing). I bring this up because, I think it solves the Kevin vs Krishna dilemma. I know deep down, we all want to see a Kevin vs Krishna match, but Kevin has the weight, height and reach advantage over Krishna. To even things out, I say we change it from a boxing match to a chess boxing match. It works out! I’m sure Krishna holds a distinct advantage over Kevin in chess (I don’t know how I’m sure, I haven’t seen either play Chess), providing a legitimate means for him to win despite the physical disparity between the two.

Imagine Krishna feverishly rushing down Kevin in Chess, cornering his King and Queen as Kevin tries to hold off until he can pummel Krishna in the next round. It would be the most intense thing in the world. I feel we can make a television show out of this, splitting the camps into two with Krishna’s camp working on his boxing skills and Kevin’s camp working on his Chess skills. We can call it Brain vs Brawn or something! I dunno! I’m getting excited just talking about it, like, if I went on Ninjavideo it’d be on the front page, but alas, it only exists in my dreams.

Social Detritus

I’m sick of working with this asshole:

Only thing missing from this photo is Chris Hansen and his camera crew.

In short, he’s useless. He comes in, doesn’t do anything but make lewd comments about girls in my district (usually 10 – 15 years his junior):

“Hey Redford, can you log onto your facebook?”
“No. Get your own account.”
“Well, I just want to look at this set of pictures.”
“Do it on your own account.”
“I don’t have an account.”
“You just need an email, it’s free too.”
“Yeah, but then I’d have to add them as a friend to look at their photos.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of the point. They want to make it hard for perverts.”

Charming isn’t he? He’s single, really, I know! He’s a keeper.

Then when he’s actually in the room, he’s checking baseball scores:

Fuck the Yankees.

I wish I had bigger hands, like, the kind that Shaq has. Big frying pans for hands, because I’d be able to utilize the whole area of my hand span, to bitch-slap his big fuckin’ head. God I hate him.

Update: Cyclist Has Filed a Complaint

My dad apparently received a call from the cops asking him to come in for a statement. I cannot believe the cyclist is this stupid.

More on this later.

PS: Obama gets the Nobel? Really? Even he seemed surprised that he would get it.

I Really Hate Cyclists

I’ve had two major spills on a bike before, and they happened when I was a kid. I was at the park and I lost control over some gravel and fell off my bike, getting some major road rash over my body. The same thing happened a couple years later. Falling off your bike totally sucks (obviously) and after those two incidents, I made sure that I didn’t ride like a complete idiot, because if falling on the ground hurts like hell, imagine what getting hit by a car must feel like.

Yet, when I’m downtown, or driving around in my neighbourhood, I see so many cyclists who don’t share the same concerns as me when it comes to bike safety. They run stop signs all the time, they ride in the dark with no reflectors (this is more common in the suburbs than downtown), and the number of times they constantly ride their bike across the street. It pisses me off when they do this because aside from placing themselves in danger (not really my concern), they run the risk of injuring me or fucking up my car (very much my concern).

Over the last month my family has had several run-ins with cyclists. It’s a miracle that these run-ins haven’t resulted in more injuries, but, we just happen to be a very lucky family. During the summer, after dropping my friend off, I was set to make a left turn out of a residential street. As I was about to turn, not one, but three bikes darted in front of my car which really threw me off because it was pitch black outside and they didn’t have any lights on. They had reflectors, but what good are they when there’s no lights shining on them. I’m not sure what allowed me to stop in time, but these people are lucky they didn’t end up underneath my car.

Worse still was just the other week when I was making my way home from work. It wasn’t that late because I was working a morning shift, but as I was walking home an old man on a bicycle whizzed by me from behind and startled me. He almost clipped me, which really pissed me off because he could have rode on the grass to avoid me, or get off the bike to walk around me, or better yet, not ride on the sidewalk! I’m positive that it’s illegal.

Then there’s the cyclists who ride their bike across the street. If the streets are absolutely empty, then yeah, I guess you could ride like an idiot and get away with it, but if you’re approaching a busy intersection, then why wouldn’t you just take a bit of time to get off your bike and walk it across the road? My mom almost got into an accident because she was preparing for a right turn and a cyclist just rode into her blind spot and right in front of my mom’s car. Luckily, my mom stopped in time. My dad wasn’t so lucky. He was making a right turn, when a lady rode her bike right in front of his car and got hit. Not only did she fuck up her bike, she fucked up our car too, then blamed us for the accident.

My dad is about as cautious as it gets when it comes to driving. He’ll signal for stuff when there’s no one else in the road because that’s the kinda habits that he has. Today he made a full-stop at the red light, with his signals on, made sure there weren’t any pedestrians and cars, then proceeded to make a turn when a lady rode out in front and dented her front wheel on my dad’s car. She accused my dad of not stopping completely and not signaling, to which, several nearby witnesses chewed her out for being retarded because my dad clearly did both. She then asked for money for a new bike, which, my dad refused to give because he wasn’t at fault. In fact, she should give my dad money for fucking up the car. She then threatened to call the cops. My dad called her bluff on it, and she pussied out because those same witnesses were telling her that she was wrong the whole time and would not only have to pay for her own bike but for our dad’s damages instead. I secretly wish he ran her over.

So to all cyclists of the world: http://bicyclesafe.com/. I don’t get it, really, I don’t. It’s great that there are sites out there for stuff like this, but I was always under the impression that it’s human nature to preserve your own life.

Template Change

I like the new template, but HATE the new blurb thing. I can’t get rid of it, I tried! I’m at such a loss, is this a yay or a nay?

I’ll let my faithful reader(s) decide.

Edit: I’ve settled on this one! I think it’s alright, although the banner at the top is so…vast and empty. Kinda like how I feel after going to U of T and having David Naylor devour my soul so he can remain immortal.

…sorry. Got carried away there.